Illustration by Pasquale, darkmotion.com.

I spent a lot of time in university. A good 6 years to be exact. I took classes in almost every subject, partly because I was interested in so many things, but mostly because I was distracted by figure skating and continually moving all over Canada in search of a ice dance partner who didn’t require serious emotional counseling.

In those 6 years I took 52 classes. 52 classes in linguistics, journalism, writing, philosophy, psychology, neuropsych, physiology, anatomy, acoustics, English lit & grammar, Spanish, Russian, history, art history, music, film studies, and drama. I know! That’s a whole lotta knowledge I’ve crammed into my short term memory. How much actually made it into my long term memory remains to be seen.

Now, obviously I think learning stuff is cool and fun or I wouldn’t have spent so many years doing just that… or maybe I just stayed so long because of the free medical/dental plans, scholarship money, and lack of adult responsibilities…

Every now and again when I hear students whine about super hard final exams, endless assignments, and less than adequate beer at Pub night, I think to myself, “What did I actually learn in university?” Here, I explore this topic in moderate detail.

Things I learnt in university:

1. The formant values of the Swedish vowel “ö”, the Russian vowel “ы”, and the Canadian vowel “aboot”;
2. The inner turmoil of Ivan the terrible
3. 20th Century European History (in general) AKA war sucks;
4. How to review a really long & boring English Lit book by skimming, plagiarizing & half watching the movie whilst watching a super cool action flick in your peripheral vision;
5. Philosophy & the Matrix (in general);
6. The twisted and shady side of chiaroscuro;
7. Modern poetry doesn’t NEED to rhyme;
8. MS Word & Excel is the devil’s handywork;
9. Psychology (in general);
10. Why Tolstoy was such a giant stick in the mud;
11. Nazis and Soviets were all over that propaganda shizz;
12. It’s best to stay far away from the snacks on the Battleship Potemkin;
13. The anatomy and phisiology of the ear & mouth/throat area (in ridicuolus detail);
14. Infant screams/cries are less than soothing to acoustically analyze than say, Enya;
15. Don’t sit next to the guy that sucks on pens causing them to explode over everything within a 5m radius;
16. You really have to commit yourself to produce a good Patronus charm;
17. It’s inevitable that you will get your worst mark in the class you took because you thought it would be super easy;
18. Tutoring ESL is a great way to meet cute foreign exchange students;
19. There are better ways to spend your time than failing to teach a monkey/chimp/gorilla language
20. Pavlov was a jerk to his dog

Things I didn’t learn in University:

1. How long it takes to boil an egg;
2. How to earn money (in general);
3. Anything about taxes;
4. Tener una conversación inteligente en español es más complicado que ordenar tacos en un restaurante mexicano;
5. How to fix a broken toilet or plumbing (in general);
6. How to navigate around Home Depot;
7. “Food-in-cupboard” maintenance;
8. How to negotiate with cell phone carriers;
9. Stuff about fixing cars or fallen off mufflers;
10. The complexity of screwdriver heads;
11. Where the missing socks go and who steals them;
12. Cooking food that tastes good (in general);
13. How to deal with over demanding, ambiguous, & clueless clients
14. Exactly where the maple syrup comes from. Trees? The ocean? Bee hives? Mounties? Beavers?
15. Anything about grout;
16. How to fix broken electronics;
17. Getting out stains produced by dark beverages, spaghetti sauce, and ink/jiffies/markers, on more often than not, white clothing;
18. Where all the money goes and who steals it;
19. Credit card debt. I swear, no one told me!!
20. Computers, using software, coding, photography, video production, editing, design… basically everything I need to know. Oops.

What did you learn or not learn in university? Also, if you know the practical solution to any of the above please leave a comment. Teach me and I’ll listen… mostly.

PS. Why am I sat in front of an uber kit? Kind of random isn’t it? More sweet photos and a special DIY photo blog from my latest shoot with uber Vancouver drummer, Jesse Godin this week!

A few weeks ago, I was a nobody. I know it’s hard to believe, but I was basically rabbit kibble. Do rabbits eat kibble? Chomp?

But then G4’s Attack of the Show ranked me as the 5th hottest woman of the web and my life went from bunny kibble to like, a really expensive cheese… that’s been aging for years and packaged in fancy paper and served on a silver plate from a store that sells uber fancy plates. Don’t forget the Crystal.

For more videos as cool as this one check out: Mostly Lisa’s Presents a Model Moment.

I wouldn’t mind if you Subscribed to my feed.

If the iPhone Software has a roadmap, why can’t it find Canada? We’re like the second biggest country in the world.

Lo-5,

Mostly Lisa

PS. The Green Arrow is Vancouver, where I am. Feel free to send the first Canadian iPhone there. Much Love.

Sometimes it’s really hard to sum up your emotions towards someone on a card. And with the range of emoticons increasing every day, you may find yourself unable to define the complexity of your feelings of love with

In anticipation of Valentine’s day, I took out my sketch pad to draw some loving illustrations to help inspire you to make your own “hey, i just love you rotten” cards for your special someone or perhaps someone who isn’t so special and you don’t even like.

For that annoying co-worker:

For that person you know nothing about because you’ve never listen to a word they say because they are boring and you get really distracted by their inappropriate fashion statements that you pretend to like, but don’t:

For that ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who broke up with you the day before Valentine’s Day:

For that needy facebook friend who sends you 20 quiz requests like, “What Kind of Sunflower are You?” everyday: (I guess at the end of the day, giving them a wee bit of sympathy makes you a better person).

Ahh the Wired Magazine’s Sexiest Geek of 2007… a super legit contest where girls are judged on their fan-written, incomplete bios, and how hot they look in a single photograph (preferably a photograph of the sexy geek in lingerie or swimwear)… it really is the stuff of internet dreams.

Ever since I was nominated as a sexy geek, I have received serious criticism for being yet another cute girl trying to increase her blogging stats by writing about geeky or tech things without any real knowledge on the subjects. Like that’s a winning formula for success or something? Uh, yeah, like all you need is a hot girl, posting flirtatious videos of herself fondling Apple products and *boom* she’s an internet Celebrity? Yeah, dreeeeeeam on, it takes loads of hard work and dedication to be an iCeleb, and some of us (as in all the people in Canada) have to fly to far off nations just to fondle an iPhone.

So in order to prove my point, I decided to ask my favourite advanced talking computer, Mr. Speak & Spell, what he thought about the situation:

I am currently 154 votes away from #10, not like I’m counting or checking on a daily basis or care. My self-esteem and mental health are not entirely dependent on you voting by pushing the green arrow beside my name UP. And if I get any more negative votes, there’s only an 85% chance that I will write a song about rehab, or check myself into rehab for drunk tweeting.

Be sure to leave me a comment if you’ve voted for me. From the list of voters, I shall pick one person’s name out of a hat to win a most fabulous prize. Details on that prize have yet to be determined in my mind, so it’s probably gonna be pretty sweet!

Guy: Is that a camera?

Me: What? *takes off headphones. turns off SLR.*

Guy: Yeah cuz I saw you taking pictures… So I thought I would come over… Yeah. Is that a good camera? Cuz I was thinking about getting a camera cuz all my friends are all like, why don’t have any pictures up on facebook? Are you on facebook?

Me: Who isn’t? *turns on camera. starts flipping through photo previews on my SLR.*

Guy: So, will you add me?

Me: Ok. *inching away*

Guy: Yeah, great! I don’t check my email every day because I don’t have internet at my place. I’m not really good on computers. Yeah, so, like, if you add me today, I probably won’t get it for like a week cuz that’s when I go to my parent’s place in Chilliwack. They have internet so… Yeah, well I’ll let you get back to your photos. I’m gonna go grab a cold one and just chill out.

Nice one. I bet that guy was thinking, “Score! The “is that a camera” pick-up works every time with those photographer chicks! Maybe I shoulda given her my name or something? Nah, she’ll find me. There are only like a couple of guys from Vancouver on facebook. She’ll recognize me from my photo anyway. Oh crap! I really need a camera… Oh man, look at that blonde chick in those tight yoga pants. Damn she’s fine!”

Guy: Are those boobs?

Behind my subtle smirk, and black bikini that matches my silver classic 80 iPod, there is a sad sad girl. Why am i so sad? Because although I’ve been nominated for the Wired Sexy Geek of 2007 (thanks Ry and Tom), no one is voting for me. In fact, 2 people have given me two thumbs down.

That hurts guys. Well, it’s really your loss as i was planning on sending each of my supporters a copy of:

1. my swimsuit calendar;
2. my Master’s thesis;
3. sexy lessons in OS X.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but my thesis makes a mighty fine conversation piece for that next social mixer you are planning. Wow, that a really long book. Yeah, sure is. What’s it about? Range Exploration of Phonation and Pitch in the First Six Months of Life. Oh cool. What’s faux nation? Is that like a new app on facebook? Exactly.

So noble friends and fans of Mostly Lisa, i ask you kindly, on behalf of my fleeting self-esteem and my need to be as publicly vindicated as pink haired Brit Brit, please vote for me. It’s basically like emailing your heart to me, except less creepy.

I can’t say I’ve always relished in people saying, “Wow Lisa, you are suuuuch a geek.” Which has happened quite a lot in my life. Especially in high school when being smart was stupid and the term “geek” sounded a lot like “you’re super lame but i’ll cheat off in science class”. Back then, even an allegiance to apple computers lead to harrassment and even disiplinary action, like when I was 8 years-old and I got kicked out of computer camp for slagging off PCs and refusing to use one.

But now the world is starting to recognize the power of the geek and the sex appeal of a smart geeky female with a Boba Fett Fetish, a quirky, yet informative twitter feed, and a vast knowledge of transformers, php, 20 sided dice, SLR cameras, BSG, Assassin’s Creed, CS3, FCP, gadgets, Top Gear, xkcd.com, Leo Laporte… aaand if she happens to look like a model with a perky set of… MBPs… that wouldn’t be the worse thing ever. We wouldn’t want to throw the balance of the world completely off kilter. Let’s face it, the majority of power geeks are still men.

And it was one of these geeks, an uber coding geek, that told me that I could not rightly call myself a geek. Seriously? After all the years I spent pining away in the Ivory Tower waiting for geeks to be cool…and the day finally comes and apparently I’m not “geeky” enough to be part of the club.

But… but… i own like 4 Mac computers and the entire series of Buffy aaaand Angel… i watched the entire Aliens Quadrilogy with special features in one go and I have a Harry Potter poster stuck to my bedroom door…i know a plethora of geeky film trivia and I’m an all-star on mininova and i’m connected to every 2.0 social hot spot and I scrobble the latest indie anthems to lastfm like a hot damn aaand I have more drawers and cupboards dedicated to SLR, video, lighting, music gear and bags and cables and plugs and snoots and gobos than clothes aaaaand I know how to use them. Especially the bags. Put stuff in and go. It’s as easy as pie.

The point is I think I’m pretty geeky. And my hypothesis is that everyone is kinda geeky as well. And so I ask you, my lovely blogging audience:

What kind of geek are you?

Define “geek” for us Wikiworld!

The definition of geek has changed considerably over time, and there is no longer a definitive modern meaning. Here are some of the many definitions:

1. A person who is interested in technology, especially computing and new media. Most geeks are adept with computers.

So computering — check, new media — check, tech/gadgets — check, 2.0 shizz — check

2. A person who relates academic subjects to the real world outside of academic studies; for example, using multivariate calculus to determine how they should correctly optimize the dimensions of a pan to bake a cake.

Well as not every geeky girl is good at maths and cooking, i’m gonna have to pass on the supreme geekiness that is combining multivariate calculus and baking. I will however provide something equally geeky in my mastered academic subject of linguistics where I hilariously intertwine syntactic trees with sustainability, Denis Quaid, Nim Chimpsky, and Gervais’ monkey news. Now that’s geeky.

I also developed an equally quirky system for organizing clothing using RGB and HSV which I call: Lisa’s Optimum Visual Outcome Method (LOVOM). Now that’s even geekier!

3. A person with a devotion to something in a way that places him or her outside the mainstream. This could be due to the intensity, depth, or subject of their interest i.e film geek, iPhone geek, web design geek or like MAx Fischer, a multi-genre geek.

4. A performer at a carnival who swallows various live animals and bugs.

Oh wikipedia you are full of so many delicious things… But that would be a definite no to swallowing live bugs.

So with so much sweet sweet geekiness to choose from: What kind of Geek are you?

Running your first marathon. Finishing your undergraduate degree. Saving an endangered species from extinction.

All these things are considered an accomplishment. But let’s be honest, these accomplishments leave you feeling completely spent. I mean after running, however long a marathon is, i’m guessing a really long way, like more than 100 Starbucks stretched end to end, you’re all sweaty and thirsty and blistered in places. And at four years a pop and a hefty student loan, completing an undergraduate degree is more mentally scarring than a proper bollocking from Gordon Ramsay. And if i know polar bears like i do, which is quite well as i do live in Canada where we keep the smaller ones as pets, i know that they are a stubborn lot and aren’t really taking this whole “melting of the ice caps thing” too well. (i use quotation marks as it hasn’t really been proven yet. i mean what do you believe, hard scientific and photographic evidence backed by Mr Gore or multi-million dollar cigarette ads?)

In a nut shell, these accomplishments all require hard work, and in this day and age, who wants to work or type full words when you can express every emotion with this:

i’m happy, i’m laughing, i’m going slightly insane, i’m smiling with my eyes and crying on the inside…

And so without needless exposition i present to you the Perfect Accomplishment:

The watching of an entire season of a tv show episodes back to back as quickly and efficiently as possible.

It’s crazy. It’s wacky. It’s ruining your eyesight, your posture, your bone density and you don’t care because you love it, you relish every hour wasted by this senseless, addictive behavior and you feel pleased by it because it’s so easy and everybody secretly knows it’s not just an accomplishment, it’s the PERFECT accomplishment. and you’re ability to achieve this accomplishment over and over in a short period of time is endless.

Even though it’s technically a holiday, i’ve been busy accomplishing many many things. though i have not done any housework, work work, or made food for myself in over 2 weeks, i have accomplished the following:

• Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares — Season 2, 3, 4 and 5. Good, simple, rustic food with local produce. F*ck me, that’s delicious!

• Boiling Point and Beyond Boiling Point. I’ve been properly Ramsayed.

• Planet Earth — Entire Series Ahh the soothing voice of David Attenborough… take me on a journey from pole to pole exploring the weird and wonderful world of life on this planet… please speak swiftly through the lions eating the elephant and great white shark leaping out of the water whilst munching on a seal snack segments… why do all the cute baby animals have to be eaten by some vicious snaggle-toothed predator? boo!

• Peep Show — Seasons 1 and 2. “Life’s all pain. Pain, gloom and misery… Hey, 33% extra free. I am doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind means being even more frugal than usual.”

  I know what you’re thinking. I’ve basically watched every show on the BBC, which in combination with my obsessive 4 o’clock tea and biscuit behavior, makes me more British than most British people.

• Lost — Season 3. finally having the dvds in my hot little hands and watching the insanity unfold episode after episode was priceless instant gratification… until the last episode… damn you JJ!!! if you turn this show into another endless and unanswered Rambaldi Riddle i shall be quite displeased.

• Amazing Race — Seasons 8 and 9. it’s basically like a reality show of fear factor meets the bourne ultimatum without the spying, intelligence, or matt damon. so basically it’s quite useless, except for the fact that it’s ridiculously addictive and the feuding, abusive, money-hungry couples make you feel better about your life.

Aside: When i write all of them out like this it gives me a wee bit of perspective on the colossal amounts of time i’ve been wasting. still better than facebook.

i am currently looking for more things to accomplish. if you can help me on my new years resolution of accomplishing as much as possible, by recommending more seasons, series of good or bad tv shows, documentaries, or reality tv shows i should accomplish, please let me know. and if you feel particularly proud of a recent accomplishment you have achieved (i.e. Tom, 6 days, Scrubs Seasons 1-5), or want to reminisce about your first accomplishment (i.e., Mostly Lisa, > 24 hours, 24 Season 1) please share your stories in the comment section below.

let’s all celebrate in your glory!

Bet all you posh British folks are feeling well pleased with yourselves. Pleased as punch, aren’t you? Cuing up at the Regent Street Apple Store, moments away from smudging your fish and chip and egg and marmite crispy fingers all over a shiny new iPhone… Well I’m sooooooooo happy for you.

So is this Mounty. If he had an iPhone, perhaps he would have been able to save Mantook the beaver, who was injured in a tragic igloo cave-in.

I leave you with this sad self-portrait of me and my crappy Nokia z-they-don’t-even-make-this-model-anymore Phone. Think aboot that, Nikf and Graham and Nathan, and feel just a tad guilty for the iPhoneless Canadian girl.